When I ask myself every 3 to 5 days the question : “Is working as a church musician the right occupation for me?” I guess the answer is pretty clear: No.
Why am I still keeping the job and keep renewing my work contract? Because I am timid. It is a secure job to pay my living expenses and the most important thing is a visa to stay in Germany, if I can hold on for some more years, even a permanent residence permit. Then I can work as a freelancer. For now I can’t.
I asked the German foreign office if I could work as a freelancer as a foreigner? The given answer was: “Sure, just provide us your work contract.” In other word, no.
It does not have to be Germany, but anywhere I go other than Malaysia, I need a visa. And I still wish to continue my organ lesson and go for nice concerts, which is very difficult in Malaysia. I might not need to deal with visa problem in Malaysia, but it may be other problem to deal with, like the purpose of life.
“Are you regret spending all these years studying learning church music.” A friend asked.
“Not at all. It is a treasure to me. I want to do sacred music, seriously. But I do not want to work as a church musician. The job keeps me from playing the sacred music that I truly care about.” I replied.
“No, please forget about being a freelancer. It is really nice to have an amount to come in every month. Hasn’t Corona given you a warning about that?” My Prof. said.
“What about you? You completed master in church music, why don’t you work as a church musician? If you could travel back time and knew corona would take place, what would be your choice? Church musician?” I asked. (Poor Prof. being questioned by uncomfortable questions)
He sighed, “I feel you.”
“No worry, you have us, 2 years will be lightning fast until you get the permanent residence permit.” Good friends are committed to fight with me side by side. However, my nerve broken down as soon as I come back to my work, and my friends need to repair me again.
“Once you’re in the routine, you will get used to it, you will manage it.” Advice from an experienced church musician.
But, the problem is not because I can not manage my job. The greatest problem is exactly the routine and the busy nature of the job that make me unhappy. And my rational thought tell me this job is the only option I have, the reason that caused me depression. Depressive because I do not know how long will this unhappiness last, and the worst, this is my only option.
This week, I come to a decision that I want to get off the hamster wheel. After this work contract end in April next year, I do not want to work as a church musician anymore. Furthermore, to work out of fear of no visa and a secure life is also a very wrong motivation. Running on a wheel is very tiring, I sincerely wish for a breakthrough. I have to close the door, I have to make space, I have to make myself available for a breakthrough to happen.
Once I can see the light at the end of the tunnel – 30.4.2022, I am liberated from fear and I am a happier person. I do not know what could happen and it is scary. However, firstly, I will just have to get off the wheel. Rather to trust God has His very best plan for me, than to limit myself with my own dead end understanding.
One inspiring incident. I visited a friend with her 8 weeks old baby, she has to go to the bathroom and I have to hold her baby girl. My friend hurried up, hoped that the baby would not cry. But the baby slept directly in my arm, like I cast a sleeping spell to her. My friend made tea, we talked and checked if the baby was still breathing. Until feeding time, the baby has no sign of waking up. The baby was so peaceful, so content.
She reminded me of my new year resolution of this year – Psalm 131, you can read my blog that I’ve written on 2.1.2021 https://thejourney-writing.com/2021/01/new-years-resolution.html.
Wie ein gestilltes Kind bin ich, das bei seiner Mutter schläft.
Wie ein gesättigtes Kind, so ist meine Seele still in mir.
Psalm 131:2 translated by Jörg Zink in GermanLike a baby content in its mother’s arms.
Like a satiated child, so is my soul still within me.
Psalm 131:2
“You always can come home.” My mom said. This gives me courage to get off the wheel. I know I can trust my mom, I can definitely trust the loving God. Just like the baby in Psalm 131.