The picture says: “Joy belongs to the one who seizes it. The song belongs to the one who sings it.” So, the mission is keep singing your song! In my case, keep playing my favourite music piece. It is not easy at all. In this post you will read about how many mental barriers to overcome to put myself at the organ and perform.
I am still very depress and sad about not seeing the future. I start to believe that it is just a foolish dream that I have, I should just forget about it. Although I still have my organ lesson and keep practicing, but it is just to keep my spirit up, without any orientation.
The spiral of negative thoughts attacking me. I found a lot of excuses to proof that I should give up the future. If I give up to practice my favourite organ piece:
1. I will have more time for my friends and family.
2. I will have more time to cook and eat properly, bake cake to make my neighbour happy!
3. I won’t be stress about my job, because I spare my time and energy from practice. Moreover, on the concert day, is the usual choir practice time, job always has the priority, right?
4. There are already an ocean of good organist in the world, come on, don’t take myself too serious. Just stop being silly.
The fact is, when I do not practice, I will get more depress, my friend and family would be more worry about me than enjoy having time with me. One week before concert, a friend said: “You can just tell your choir to practice on the other day for once. And please just do the performance.” My teacher told me: “Your interpretation is uniquely yours. No 2 same organist in the world.”
One day before concert, I’ve got my first corona vaccine. It is very normal that some people will get headache or fever after getting vaccine, it would be understandable if I get sick and can not perform. See? I always keep a back door open for me to run away. But I was feeling ok after vaccination.
On the concert day, I have to get my train at 7.30 am because I have practice time and lesson before concert. I woke up about 6am, and I felt something at my arm, it was a bit difficult to move my arm because of the vaccination. Hmm … Should I call my professor and cancel the lesson and the performance? Anyhow, I got the train and did everything as planned. Don’t ask me how I made it, I don’t know.
Here is the recording of the performance. I played Allein Gott in der Höh sei Ehr (To God alone on high be glory) by Jan Pieterszoon Sweelinck (1562-1621). Please turn on the subtitle for English translation. It is not necessarily connect the music with the 4 verses of lyrics. But I am thinking (or singing) this word when I am playing this piece. My favourite is the 3rd verse:
Accept the prayer of our distress
Nimm an die Bitt’ von unsrer Not
You will hear the music ascending like my prayer goes up to heaven and been heard. Enjoy 😉
