New Year – Part 4

9. Bible Study Group

Afternoon, the bible study group I had attended was gathering at R’s house. Other than R and P, all are new faces. I have got a little sketch of how each one has been celebrating christmas and new year, their wishes and resolutions for 2020. Happiness is sipping earl grey tea with milk while listening to stories. 

10. Park Street

R suggested that we walk down Park Street to City Center to do last minute shopping. There are many fancy shops on Park Street, it is fun enough just to browse through them. I’m surprised that the expensive vintage shops still there, but the Cafe I used to visit disappear. A student came out from Tesco carrying heavy grocery stuffs and ready for climbing the hill. Yes, the hills that I complained a lot on those days.

11. Campus

My heart was beating a little faster as we were approaching the campus. I vaguely remember the seminar room. Before the seminar, I went through the reading list given by lecturer. I gathered all the reading material from the internet and libraries. Read and read and read. After reading, I have come to some conclusions that might be discussed in the seminar.

In the seminar, we argued fiercely. Often at the beginning, I was so sure about what I stood for but the end left with many more questions to ponder from the discussions.

After the seminar, we celebrated birthdays together, arranged all kind of meet up to get to know each other better, we met in the bar just to talk about mundane things like “what are you doing tomorrow?”

We were able to disagree with each other, and be friends. After years, I realized this kind of friendship is not naturally existing everywhere. People tend to easily get offended when someone tries to honestly expressing his/ her very different opinion. Do we really need to wait until other agree with us to be friends?

 

12. Wills Memorial Building

My breath caught as we walked by the Wills Memorial Building. This place is where the glorious graduation ceremony took place and I was wearing the Harry Potter costume. 

On Graduation Day

We were so happy harvesting what we were sowing, and had a final lunch with each other before departing for the real world from the academic world.

Proud parents were there. I sat next to one English gentleman.
“So you’re now learning German?”
“Yes, because I started the volunteer programme there, I need to understand German.”
“I would say Spanish, Russian would be more useful for work with NGO. Do you actually speak French?”

A total disapproval of me learning German. At that time, my love for German poetry and children’s books has emerged. But how could I explain all this to this very caring English gentleman kindly giving advise to a fresh graduate on getting a proper job? And I did not want to let him feel bad by thinking that he was wasting his time talking to a lost graduate who has no idea what she wants to do with her life.

“Very wise, thank you. I love languages, I might pick up French, Spanish and Russian later. Now I am in Germany, why waste the chance to learn it? The social work in Germany is really worth to learn from it.”

I wonder what would be his reaction if he finds out I still have not picked up French, Spanish, or Russian, moreover, I am doing music now. My adopted German family always tease me that I have given up everything for “brotlose Kunst” – Bread-less Art. But please do not get me wrong, the family believe in me in doing music more than myself. They see the value in music despite its bread-less nature.

 

Struggles are real

My self confidence was at peak, I felt like I could conquer the world. Others opinions would never stopped me pursuing what I believe it is worth pursuing. My adventurous spirit urged me to try everything out before it is too late. If I failed, I failed. I might look stupid for a moment when I failed, but it will not last forever. Lucky that I decided to pass the point of no return in this moment. Just a little bit later, I would not have the courage to make any decision.

Practice music is fine, I like to practice. But in music college, I need to make progress and meet the requirement to finish. Others aim to pass with distinction, I was just surviving from semester to semester. I never want to compare with others, because it is extremely ridiculous to compare. Further, they are my friends, they have given me extra classes, patiently explained music to me, listened to my music and provided constructive feedback. I am just telling the fact that I struggled to meet the requirement.

One summer, my organ professor given me a repertoire list that horrified me. He said:
“Summer holiday is the best time to practice. You started late with music, never mind, now is the time to catch up.”
“How I wish I could, but I found a summer job by taking care of children, 8 hours a day. It’s impossible I can make this.”
“But you need to practice, I’m helping you to finish your bachelor on time.”
“I know you are, I truly appreciate that. But how am I going to pay my rent for the next semester? There’s no way I ask my parents, I still have sisters who deserve the same education as me.”

My lack of ability and financial resources were considered minor problems if compared to how I allowed others influence my self value. I received comments and opinions without filter, even the careless irresponsible ones had great impact on me. There were great lecturers who guided me patiently who I am grateful to have. There were also some with every body language tried to communicate that I did not belong there. I am not complaining about them, it is just life. I definitely going to meet people like them again throughout my life.

None of these struggles are as destructive as this, I started to accept the accusation from the social norm: The prodigal daughter who waste her master degree by not getting a proper job and I punished myself by saying this cruel sentence to myself. 

 

The guiding stars 

The benefit of learning music is, as I am practicing or performing I was comforted by music. I experienced the power of music to heal and bring comfort. I read books, about the value of music from different authors. One story, a boy who is committed to fill his life with hatred and join terrorist group put down the gun and took up the viola as he experienced music. He is Ramzi Aburedwan that I read about in “Klang ist Leben: Die Macht der Musik” by Daniel Barenboim.

Books and music are my guiding stars through the darkest night. And this is the reason why I am still insist on doing them. 

 

Signs and Wonders

Miracle is the only rational explanation that I finish my bachelor in church music and still allowed to do music and even can support my living by playing music. One of those miracles was I obtained 2 scholarships after 2nd semester though I was not the best student. God has faithfully opened a way for me to keep on walking.

Last summer, during a choir trip with my music college friends.

“Miracle? Nowaday people should not believe in something like this. So old fashioned!”

My music college friend claimed and immediately realized that I was not so agree with her. She gave me a pleading look that trying to say: “oh, come on michelle, please don’t disagree with me”. I really love that we need not to hide our true color in front of each other. Instead of preaching my life experiences to her, I answered:

“Well, there are cases like the cancer being healed after the doctor announced its terminal illness. Haven’t you heard about them? What would you say about such cases?” 

 

Invaluable

Let me come back to the myth of accusation: wasted master degree by not getting a proper job. There will be two questions to ask:

1. Why I started the master in International Development?

To help the vulnerable, marginalised social group through encouraging fairtrade. Help them to be able to be independent. If my clients are vulnerable, marginalised social groups, I guess they are not able to pay me either.

 

2. The definition of proper job?

If I do not get paid but still doing the job because humanitarian crisis is urgent, does my work disqualified for being a proper job just because I don’t get proper paid?
Either work in international development or music, both are invaluable. I have no regrets of pursuing them, and having them to nurture my life.

 

13. More concerts 

R is not only a close friend to me, she is also a musician (mezzo sopran). As I was in Bristol still never have any thoughts about learning church music, we made a CD for her grandma for Birthday. She was singing, I played piano. This tradition continue, only now I’m accompanying her on organ instead of piano. After the last minute shopping, we planned for more concerts. On the last night in Bristol, her family and I sitting around christmas tree and talked about our future plans.

 

Postlude

Bristol at 6 am. In a taxi to the airport.

“Where are you flying to for holiday?” the taxi driver asked.
“I’m flying back to Germany, I live there.”
“What makes you visit here?”
“I visited my friends in Bristol. I did my master here 9 years ago. I still have some good friends in Bristol.”
“After master, you found a job in Germany?”
“Well, it’s a long story. I try to make it simple.

After master, I came to Germany to gain work experience in social work. I did a church based volunteer programme. Then I heard music in church, it touched my heart. One day, I talk to the organist, and he said he can show me the organ and give me lessons if I want to. I started to learn organ, and this music thing is getting serious. Finally, I did the bachelor in Church Music and now working as a church musician. Playing the organ and conducting choirs in church. Do you like music?”

“Music? It’s nice.”

Taxi passed by the valley where the suspension bridge stand. The world was still under the dark black curtain, but the suspension bridge was lit up.

“The suspension bridge is so beautiful!” I said with amazement.
“Yeah, the suspension bridge.”
“How long have you been living in Bristol?”
“17 years.”
“So, I guess Bristol is home to you now?”
“I would say it’s my 2nd home, I still have friends and family living in London. London it’s just too big for me.”
“This is exactly what I like about Bristol, it has the right size! Not too big, but big enough to contain everything. I like London too, for short term visit it’s definitely a good place.”

“Do you enjoy your work in Germany?”
“Yeah, I love what I’m doing, it’s just sometimes too challenging.”
“As long as you’re enjoying your work, that’s the most important thing.”
“Yeah, I agree. But the master year in Bristol is a lifelong treasure to me.”

 

The end.

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