January: Stressful about changing job and place, writing report for my internship and preparing for the viva voce, at the same time jobbing in another town.
February: Quarantine (actually good, if not the stress was mounting up). Anyway, I still have to face the reality: moving house, started to work while adapting to new environment. Chaotic apartment.
March: Stressful preparation for holy week and Easter season. Chaotic apartment.
April: The stressful situation was getting milder after Easter. Enjoying Spring.
May: Realized that what I am doing now is not getting me any nearer to what I am passionate about. I am in the valley of hopelessness.
June: I feel the urgency to change and to find out different possibilities to have a life with less regret. Suffering sleep disorder.
On 30th June. Before I went to bed, I was thinking that complaining and being sad would not get me any nearer to what I wish either, I should start the year new again. Tomorrow, 1st of July is the beginning of a new month, there are still 6 months to make this year less regretful. I prayed and slept.
But sleep disorder was not cooperative to my decision to start new again. 3am I woke up, and could not sleep again. I talked to my sisters (thanks to time difference, I always have someone to talk to). I was very angry and sad again, this is very unfair, I want to start my new life and I could not get the essential sleep. I have work and organ lesson, at the same time, I need enormous energy to figuring out the new possibilities.
Suddenly, I heard bird started to sing, it was already dawning. I told my sisters I have to shower, to have proper breakfast to welcome the new day, thanked them for talking to me. Suddenly, the sleep disorder that I suffered seems insignificant at all. I will fight for joy. On the 1st of July, I only want to do stuff that bring me joy.
I practice Bach’s organ work – D Major fugue. Practicing Bach’s fugue helped to bring me structure and order into my chaotic state of mind. D Major Fugue is playful, childlike yet beautiful. Good mood is secured.
After that, I met my favourite friend in Heilbronn for coffee. It was just pleasant having time with her.
Before going home, I went to pharmacy and ask for solution to my sleep disorder. The pharmacy staff asked about my situation in detail, because there are many types of sleep disorder with different solution. She asked me to be very careful about sleep disorder, usually it is more serious problem underlying that I should get professional help. She asked me if I have lavender in garden, I can make lavender sachet, the aroma helps for a good night sleep.
Yes, she reminded me that garden could bring me joy. The rest of my day, I was enjoying seeing birds walking around (the black bird don’t like to fly), the cat, the busy bees, white butterflies, those roses! Last but not least, I harvest lavender flowers for making a lavender sachet.
I was thinking of 2 questions before I went to sleep.
1. What I care most when I die tomorrow?
2. Which stuffs that I am doing matter most after 5-10 years?
Everything that not related to the given answer, is just insignificant. Life is short, time is precious, pay more attention to stuff that really matter and bring joy.
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| Lavender flowers that I harvested |
Note:
1. Are you interested to know the Hebrew name for JOY ?
2. How writing save me? I read what I’ve written before, and this post- I Refuse reminds me to take back the control over my emotion.
I Refuse https://thejourney-writing.com/2020/07/i-refuse.html