Paperwork is a real daunting task. I am still keep running different offices because of my visa application and changing insurance those kind of stuff. Yesterday I really wanted to finish filling two set of forms. I thought I reached the last page, but the last page requires me to submit documents, which I have to collect again. Thanks God it’s holiday, no one in office, so I can do some other things than emailing or phoning.
I hope for more flexibility and I truly have it now. More time for creating, writing and practicing music. However, with limited income, I am not very flexible with travelling and visiting inspiring concert even have to avoid organ master class for this year. Reality seems to be ironically mocking me and I’m not going to hide I sometimes do feel frustrated and doubt.
But every time I pass by my kitchen and see my sleeping medicine from last year, it is flashing red light to me, with a protest sign: “Remember that you were sleepless for months?” I cannot explain it, it is true and it is very strange. Last year, I have job and visa but I was sleepless for months. Now I do not have job and visa is expiring in 7 days, I still can sleep!
I knew that to be a freelancer is much more difficult than having a job, my teacher warned me. Still, I need the flexibility to be away. I do not like it if my life occupied only by work. Some weekends, evenings or holiday, I wish to have free time. Like the coming Sunday, the feeling is indescribable to attend a good friend’s baby baptism, if I always have to work on every weekend, I am going to miss everyone’s big event.
If I have choir and ensemble rehearsal, at least two evenings of the week is unavailable. I also have to plan concerts with them, more evenings gone. My wish is I can visit great concerts, or to play concert myself. It is not that I do not like my job, it is just that I have to make space for things that I truly care about.
To make annual plan upset me the most, I feel like building a cage for myself. Really, this year should look like this? That’s it? If something wonderful is happening to me, I do not even have the capacity at all to welcome it, because it is not in my plan? I do not even know about how good or how ridiculous is the plan.
I dare not to justified myself that I have made a good decision as I am still figuring out how to be financially sustainable, visa application is still a big question mark. Even so, I am progressing and developing in music and writing as I wish to. I have difficulty to balance between music and literature, still balancing. (Grin)
Because of the flexibility I have, I can spontaneously make an appointment to practice on a historical organ with beautiful sound. Today whole day, what a contentment. I might do another blog post to talk about my new friend.
Share with you the organ/ harpsichord piece I am learning now. I love the gorgeous repetition. Sleep well!
