source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misplace

 

“Why am I actually here?”

Amy (fictional name), the almost 3 years old girl was thinking about this question and found no reason to stay still any longer. She raised up from her mattress, come and talked to me. 

“Can I leave here (the sleeping room) and go to the play room?” 

This was a scene in a nursery I once worked. It was a day nursery, afternoon nap was included, and baby need it. Anyway, every baby is different, one sleep pretty long, one couldn’t sleep without crying, one do not really need it anymore just like Amy. 

For the group of 9 children, we have 3 staffs. When the children were having nap, one of us stay with the children, and 2 staffs have break, and we exchange after 30 minutes. When necessary, for example 2-3 children crying at the same time, the 2 staffs that having break would end the break and come to assist. We would of course try our best to let colleague have enough break time. For this reason, although I was very sympathetic to Amy’s request, I tried to persuade her to have some rest, at least until the 30 minutes over. 

“Can I leave here and go to the playroom?” she asked.

“You will be alone in the play room, won’t you be afraid? Wait a little bit more until Lina (fictional colleague’s name) come and collect you.” I asked her. 

“I won’t be afraid, can I leave now?” Amy was very determined to leave.

“No, you can’t. Oh come on, you are here everyday, you knew it clearly you can’t be alone without teacher even when you’re very courageous.” I made it clear, avoiding giving her false hope. 

“I don’t want to be here! I’m so bored! I could not sleep!” she raised her voice. And I heard one baby was changing its sleeping position, luckily, without crying. 

“Hey, we have to talk more softly, your friends are sleeping.” I lower my voice talked to her.  

“Then just let me go to the play room.” her lip tightened, her eyes reddened, tears would roll down in the next second.  

Her tantrum stirred up the sadness in me that I tried to repress most of the time. I was repressing it because the situation would only get worse if I keep feeding my sadness. And the sadness was caused by the feeling of being misplace. 

Amy has developed enough to belong to another age group, but her birthday keep her wait in a group that she was not belong anymore. She was almost 3 still not yet 3 to be in a proper age group and it is very frustrating to be in the wrong place.  

Shortly after I have done my master in international development, I spent 8 hours a day working in nursery everyday, not sure where life would lead me to. I was really lost, did not know what was I actually doing. 

To be enrolled in university/ college was the only way to renew my visa. Therefore, no matter what my level was, even I was only a beginner in playing organ, I just have to go for the audition, because it was the only chance to continue on my newly begun musical journey. It was frustrating knowing that I was racing with time, and still have to spend 8 hours a day in the nursery. (Note: I was beginner in organ, but I took piano lesson regularly since childhood.) 

I treasure the memory with the children and my colleague very much, we have so much fun and laughter together. Some of them become good friends of mine, they even came to my organ recital, but the feeling of I have been misplaced still vividly terrible to me after years.

“Don’t you think I’m also bored watching at you all sleeping? If I have the choice, I would rather practice music because I am terribly worrying about my coming soon exam. Do you know that?” I said. 

Sometimes, I choose to be honest about my feeling and try to communicate nicely. I have no idea how much Amy understood me. My respond definitely was unexpected. She might have thought: “stubborn Michelle, useless to talk to her.” or “Ok, I am not alone in feeling this way, Michelle is also very unhappy to be here like me.”

Anyway, I tried to comfort her again. 

“My dear Amy, you do not have to sleep if you could not, just have some silent time. Take this book with you if you want, you can look at the picture while waiting for Lina. She will be here soon.” I wiped off her tears with tissue paper and given her a picture book. 

She calmed down a bit, took the book, and went back to her mattress. 

She clutch the book tightly but not looking at it. Still full of sadness and anger, because she was sobbing. Still it was very nice of her to control her sobbing volume not to wake up her friends from their afternoon nap.   

She is now my role model every time when I am questioning “why am I actually here?”. I try to be like her: true to my feeling, try hard to fight my way out, have patience when I have to wait, and be considerate to my friends. 

As soon as she turn 3 years old, she does not have to bear the extremely boring afternoon nap time anymore. And I am now still staying in Germany longer than I have imagined, and still playing organ. Both of us survived the misplacement at that time, and hopefully we are now equipped for the misplacement that could occur again in this long long life on earth. 

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